I think I'm fall-ing for you...

So here’s the Sunday tea ☕ for today…

(Content & Trigger Warnings: Grief, loss, depression & self-harm)

Fall is usually a very challenging season of the year for me, especially the month of October. So much so that I usually “welcome” the start of the month and the season with plenty of angst and trepidation.

Or I sequester and steel myself in advance for the overwhelming avalanche of feelings that will inevitably flow/follow.

October, for me, includes the death anniversaries of three paternal figures; the birthday of a loved one with whom I have a very strained, nearly nonexistent relationship with and the stark reminder of the one time I attempted to un-alive myself.

This year, however, while I’ve still had my challenges with grief and the incessant emotional roller coaster that October memories always bring, I’ve also found myself really enjoying this season in a way that I never expected.

Like…I actually like fall now.

That’s not something I would have ever envisioned me admitting before. Especially as someone born in early September, I’ve always been vehemently anti-fall as folks have erroneously declared me an autumn baby by associating the calendar entry into September with the de facto start of fall.

Couple that with all of the sucky, seasonal, suffering succotash…

…sensations I endure, it’s always pretty much been f*ck fall over here!

I’m glad to say that might finally be changing as I turn over a new leaf (pun intended) now.

In fact, here’s how fall has been particularly nourishing to my SOUL this past month:

• The change in weather has led to more stillness, studying and solitude 

  I’m in Florida so we’re still experiencing summer-like weather for the most part, however there has been more chilly, easy breezy days than hot and hazy moments that have allowed for more comfortable outside walks that invite quiet contemplation. And when the nights/early mornings get a little more cooler than I’d like, I cozy up under my covers with a new book to read. In fact, I’ve gotten a new library card and I’m reading more fiction, which is something I haven’t done consistently in years!

  I’ve also reconnected with my yoga practice, doing my best to intentionally stretch and do some kind of quick beginner flow every day (or every other day) of the week. (Here’s a playlist I’ve curated of yogis I’ve followed over the years and new teachings/exercises my mom has recently recommended to me - check it out!) Rediscovering my love of yoga has encouraged me to remember how important slow, intentional movement and breath work are to maintaining a sense of groundedness.

  And speaking of groundedness, the colors associated with fall (yellow, orange, crimson, green) are inspiring me so much. I feel more deeply connected to the earthiness within me (Virgo baby) and the beauty of nature all around externally.

  I’m also aligning with the school mode vibe that’s present this time of year, since I started a 5 week business training program, learning how to (re)build the structures for my businesses at the beginning of the month. Though I won’t lie, the process has been overwhelming AF!

• The spooky season themes are helping me develop a healthier relationship to death, grief and loss. 

  So, I LOVE HORROR MOVIES! Actually horror media, periodt! But, it wasn’t until last fall, ironically, that I realized how much horror has been a safe haven for me, when talking through what inspired my love of the genre with my partner, I noticed a pattern of familial and kinship bonds built through mutual interest of the macabre that provided me with a strong sense of community.

  Later as many of those bonds later disintegrated, l felt a deep sense of nostalgia while delving deeper into horror solo dolo. This year, I’ve noticed many of the scary movies and shows I’ve watched have left me more contemplative about my mortality and just life in general, especially its darker parts. And I realize, I’m enamored with the suspenseful spooky because it has created a space that allows me to embrace uncomfortable feelings like fear, anxiety, dread and loss in ways that feel more fun. It’s also been a dope segue into the morbid without feeling weird, if that makes sense (though I am totally unapologetically weird lol). Like, my mom and I have had some really intriguing conversations about death sparked from this spooky, Scorpionic atmosphere.

• Relatedly, the spooky season vibes and the sun in Scorpio is teaching more about release

  I almost always cry a lot in October. Especially when Scorpio season starts because that’s right around the time of the back to back death anniversaries.

  But this season, I’ve been a lot less heavy with my heaviness if that makes sense. Sometimes I don’t feel like crying, I’m not gonna lie. Grief can be sneaky and inconvenient AF. But I’ve been leaning more into the muck without excuse, justification or apology. I’ve been more vocal about needing to take space to be with my grief/tears as required. I’ve been more open about my lows instead of hiding them. Especially with my mom, which has been huge! Growing up, shared vulnerability between us has been challenging, to say the least. But, in the last week plus, we’ve had some really candid conversations about how we both have dealt with the losses in our lives and how we are continuing to deal with it and those unexpected moments of intimacy have been incredibly healing for me.

So I have a lot of gratitude for this season. I might just become a future fall fanatic (I love me some alliteration yo! LOL).

And catch me on the socials! I’ve been writing random shenanigans on Facebook and sharing regular, schmegular life updates through my stories there and on Instagram.

Feel free to connect with me there or here in yo inbox.

***

Until the next time we chat, take care of yourself as best you can.

Sending you serenity, sweetness and sumptuous SOUL Care Sunday vibes. 😌😘

Peace.

Jasmin 💜